


dancing with a ghost

by retrouvaillesz



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, based on a dream i had two months ago, beomgyu is dead sorry, ghost beomgyu, human soobin, lapslock, mcd but not really?, no actual dancing, or maybe its just really Sad instead of angst, soobin cries a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25370893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/retrouvaillesz/pseuds/retrouvaillesz
Summary: in which soobin and beomgyu meet, even after their time together has run out: soobin, as a human, still, and beomgyu, as a ghost.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 21
Kudos: 84





	dancing with a ghost

**Author's Note:**

> hello! here's a little fic i started almost two whole months ago that i haven't been able to finish until now. it's based on a dream i had at that time (yes i have very strange dreams) and i just figured that it would make for an interesting fic.
> 
> the title comes from sasha sloan's song of the same name, and i hope you enjoy!

if someone had told soobin five months ago that he would be seeing the ghost of his boyfriend each week, he (or anyone else, for that matter) would have called them crazy.

first of all: soobin didn’t even believe in ghosts.

second of all: beomgyu—his boyfriend of two years—was alive and well.

there was no reason for soobin to believe that his boyfriend, who was the picture of health, who was living and breathing just fine, would somehow end up _not_ living and breathing in the matter of months; much less that they would be meeting each other every week after his death. it was absurd, far too ridiculous for soobin to even imagine, and he was never the type to entertain those kinds of thoughts anyway.

but of course—the keyword here is _was_.

soobin doesn’t quite remember what happened, or at least, he pretends he doesn’t. not remembering means that he can’t be reminded of it, which means that he doesn’t have to think about it and that he doesn’t have to feel his heart break and shatter into a thousand million pieces each time.

this is how soobin keeps himself sane. this is what he keeps telling himself, although anyone else could see that he’s in denial—but no one had the heart to force him out of it. they all took one look at him, at how he seems like he’s barely holding onto the present and onto himself, and their hearts broke for him: a 20-year-old who lost the love of his life.

except beomgyu wasn’t _just_ the love of his life. beomgyu was his best friend, his safest space, his home. they were supposed to do so many things together; they were supposed to have so much more time together; they were supposed to have a forever together, and they didn’t. they didn’t because beomgyu was gone and soobin was here, except he’s not _really_ here, because his fragmented heart wanted to be wherever beomgyu was, but he couldn’t. beomgyu wasn’t in a place he could go to just like that. he’s dead, and soobin still couldn’t believe that he’s dead, and maybe soobin lied about keeping himself sane, because he definitely did _not_ feel sane the first time he saw beomgyu in front of him, when he’s supposed to be dead.

“soobin,” beomgyu whispered. “hi.”

“you’re not real,” soobin immediately said. “you can’t be. this is a dream, right—of course it is, it has to be a dream—there’s no way that you—that you’re—”

“i’m sorry, soobin,” beomgyu interrupted, voice still soft and just barely above a whisper. “i’m sorry i left you all alone like this. we were supposed to have a lot more time with each other but i wasn’t careful enough and now—”

“i’m dreaming,” soobin tried again. “i’m dreaming because you can’t be here. you’re _gone_ , beomgyu.”

“you’re not dreaming, soobin—this isn’t a dream.”

“then i must’ve gone crazy from grief,” soobin concluded. “i must’ve spent too much time in denial to the point where my brain couldn’t take it anymore and now i’ve lost whatever ounce of sanity i have left and i’m imagining things.”

“soobin, _please_ ,” beomgyu pleaded. “i don’t know how this works either. i don’t know how i managed to—to _appear_ like this, but i did. i’m still—i’m still dead—but i’m here now. i don’t know for how long, but i’m here.”

“you can’t be here,” soobin said, voice breaking and tears pooling in his eyes and heart cracking more than he ever knew it could. “you’re not supposed to be here. i’m not supposed to be able to see you. you’re—beomgyu, you’re _dead_.”

soobin broke down at that last word. it was his first time saying it out loud like that. every other time, he had said that beomgyu was gone, and saying he was gone wasn’t the same as saying he was dead. ‘gone’ made it sound like beomgyu could come back, but ‘dead’ meant that it was final. he could _think_ about beomgyu being dead, fine—but saying it was something else. saying it was something soobin hadn’t been ready for, but he said it, and it broke him.

soobin was certain that it was a dream, or that he had lost his mind. those were the only possible explanations for him to be seeing beomgyu like that, right?

but when ‘beomgyu’ wrapped his arms around him, it felt like neither of those things were possible. could a dream or a hallucination feel that warm and that comforting? could his mind really come up with this elaborate trick that felt too real to be just a figment of his imagination?

soobin decided he wouldn’t fight it. even if it really was a dream or a delusion, he decided he would let himself have it. he missed beomgyu too much to let it slip away.

“i’m sorry,” beomgyu whispered against soobin’s chest, arms wrapped tightly around him just like before. “i’m sorry i couldn’t give you the forever i promised, soobin. i really wanted to—but i guess we just—i guess we ran out of time—”

soobin’s own arms moved from his side to beomgyu’s waist, pulling him closer and tighter than he already was, ignoring whatever it was beomgyu had been saying. he missed _this_ , missed beomgyu being in his arms more than he realized, and it made his chest ache and his tears spill faster and before he knew it, he was full-on sobbing.

he thought that his overflowing emotions would end it, that beomgyu would disappear because his crying and sobbing would make himself wake up or snap out of it or whatever—but beomgyu was still there, still holding on as tightly as ever.

it took soobin a little bit longer before he could calm down enough to stop crying, but beomgyu was there the entire time. he was there afterwards too, when soobin decided to sit down because his legs felt like they would give out, and when his tears finally dried and he could finally form a coherent thought.

“i don’t understand what’s going on exactly,” soobin said, his voice hoarse from the crying.

“i don’t really get it either,” beomgyu answered from beside him. “i’ve been… keeping an eye on you, i guess? you couldn’t see me, but i was here sometimes. then today i just—i think i just wanted you to see me? i wanted it so bad and suddenly you _could_ see me. you _can_ see me. you couldn’t before.”

“so you just, what, _willed_ your way into… this?” soobin asked, gesturing vaguely at whatever _this_ was.

“i guess i did,” beomgyu sighed. “it feels tiring, though—like i’m using up my energy to make you see me and feel me and stuff.”

“don’t use it all up,” soobin said, alarmed. “what if you use too much that it ends up—”

“ends up what?” beomgyu questioned after soobin cut himself off. “what were you going to say?”

“well i was going to ask, what if it ends up killing you but then i realized…”

beomgyu couldn’t help but to laugh, his arms instinctively wrapping themselves around soobin’s waist, and soobin felt his cheeks warm up from embarrassment. for some reason, it didn’t bother soobin to say something like that—probably because he’s with beomgyu, even though it was just the ghost of him. it was still beomgyu, and beomgyu always made soobin feel safe and calm.

“i honestly have no clue what’s going to happen,” beomgyu told him, his chin resting on soobin’s shoulder. “but yeah, it’s probably a good idea for me to stop before i run out.”

“are you going now?”

beomgyu paused, like he had to think about it for a moment. “i think i can hold on for a few more minutes. why?”

“can i kiss you then?”

beomgyu didn’t say anything. he just quietly lifted his head and unwrapped his arms from around soobin’s waist, and soobin immediately cupped his face, pulling him in for a kiss.

their kiss was slow and soft, gentle and sweet; the way their kisses had always been. no urgency, no rush—just them fully savoring every second they had together, even before, and even more then.

when soobin reluctantly pulled away, he found beomgyu’s sparkling eyes looking back into his.

“i love you,” beomgyu whispered, resting his forehead against soobin’s. “i’m sorry.”

“stop saying sorry,” soobin whispered back. “i love you too.”

“i’m gonna go now,” beomgyu told him. “i don’t know if i can come back but i’ll try, i promise i will.”

“i’ll be right here,” soobin promised, leaning in for another kiss, eyes fluttering shut.

when soobin opened his eyes, beomgyu was gone.

—

it’s been about five months since then, and soobin and beomgyu have magically managed to see each other every week. for the first few weeks, soobin still found it difficult to believe that he wasn’t dreaming or just imagining things, but by the second month, he didn’t really care anymore.

at first, beomgyu tried to come back every few days. it worked, of course, but it only lasted for around 10 to 15 minutes before beomgyu would start to feel too tired to hold on. eventually, they figured out that, the less often beomgyu made himself appear, the longer he could actually do it. they didn’t manage to figure anything else out, unfortunately, but from there, they agreed to meet once a week, and over time, beomgyu’s supernatural ability got stronger, and those 10 to 15 minutes evolved into 1 to 2 hours, into 6 to 8 hours, and now beomgyu can do it for up to 10 hours if he really focused on it.

it was still weird for soobin even three months into their regularly-scheduled meetings. if he were being honest, he was worried that he really would end up losing his mind—no healthy and sane person would have dates with the ghost of their dead lover, right? the thought of it made soobin anxious, almost made him feel like he was just waiting for his sanity to dissolve entirely.

surprisingly, it didn’t. if anything, the promise of seeing beomgyu again each week was what kept soobin sane; it was what kept him going through each week. he didn’t obsess over when they would see each other again. rather, it was a piece of comfort that he held onto when he needed it, when he was having a rough time again.

was it healthy to depend on his boyfriend like that, when he had already been dead for a few months?

probably not.

but soobin would take what he could get, and if that was the only thing that was helping him grow more stable, so be it. he wasn’t exactly in a position to be picky about how he was coping, because frankly, he thinks he’d be a lot worse off without this— _this_ being beomgyu. or the ghost of him. or apparition of him. whatever you wanted to call it.

“we’re already running out of time today...” beomgyu whispers, pulling soobin out of his thoughts as his fingers lightly traced patterns on soobin’s neck, a habit he hasn’t grown out of, even now.

“we’re always running out of time,” soobin sighs, a sad smile on his face. “we ran out of time five months ago. we run out of time each week. we’re running out of time right now.”

“everyone runs out of time eventually,” beomgyu says, nuzzling his face into the crook of soobin’s neck. his warmth is starting to fade, little by little, and they both know that they have around 20, maybe 30 minutes left before they’re forced to part ways again. “ours just ran out a little earlier than we thought it would, that’s all.”

“it’s just so… unfair.”

“of course it is,” beomgyu sighs. “it’s always unfair. it’s always like that for us.”

“why—why us—why is it always _us_ —” soobin lets out between sudden choked sobs, eyes shut tight as tears start to spill down his cheeks.

beomgyu immediately gets up on his elbows—he can never stand it when soobin cries, especially when he didn’t see it coming like this. it always breaks his heart; it’s breaking his heart right now, so he cups soobin’s face in his hands and wipes the tears away with his thumbs, heart still cracking with each tear that falls and each sob that comes from soobin.

“hey,” beomgyu calls, pressing a soft kiss onto his boyfriend’s lips in an attempt to pull him out of his broken state. “soobin, _hey_ ,” he tries again, this time peppering light, quick kisses all over his face, and to beomgyu’s delight, it earns him a quiet chuckle.

“what are you doing…” soobin mutters, eyes finally open and voice raspy from the crying, but there’s a gentle and fond smile on his face, the one he always has whenever he’s staring at beomgyu.

“trying to get my crybaby of a boyfriend to stop bawling his eyes out,” beomgyu teases.

“as far as i can remember, _you’re_ the crybaby in this relationship,” soobin remarks, raising an eyebrow as he smirks at beomgyu, who rolls his eyes in return.

“that was before!” beomgyu answers. “you’ve been crying so much more now,” he adds, more quietly, almost as if he were talking to himself.

“i’m sorry,” soobin says. “it must be hard, seeing me like this.”

“why are you sorry?” beomgyu hums, laying back down with his head right where it was before, in the crook of soobin’s neck. this is his favorite place in the entire world, he thinks. this is where he’s safe, where he’s loved, and if it were up to him, he’d never leave soobin’s side.

“you said it yourself… i cry so much more now. i’ve been crying so much more since you…”

“why are you sorry for that?” beomgyu repeats. “you’re only human.”

“and you’re not.”

beomgyu doesn’t say anything, just keeps tracing his invisible patterns and humming softly.

“beomgyu?” soobin calls after a few moments of silence, worried that his words left a mark on beomgyu. he’s always tried to be careful with that, ever since he first met beomgyu. the thought of hurting beomgyu—or anyone, really, but _especially_ beomgyu—terrified him, and he wouldn’t know what to do with himself if he had managed to do that now.

“you’re right, i’m definitely not human,” beomgyu says quietly. “well, not anymore, at least,” he chuckles before continuing. “but _you’re_ still human. of course you’re going to cry… you don’t ever have to be sorry about that; you’re allowed to cry, as much as you want. as long as you stop crying about the same thing one day.”

“i don’t think i can ever stop crying about you,” soobin whispers, feeling the ache in his chest grow again.

“that’s okay too,” beomgyu tells him. “you might feel like that now… but it’ll get easier, it has to—you deserve that, soobin.”

“i’m scared, you know. terrified, actually.”

“of what?”

“of it getting easier… i just can’t imagine it; i can’t imagine thinking about you and not feeling my heart shattering or not immediately bursting into tears. i can’t imagine thinking of you and being okay and not like the world is cruel and mean and unfair for taking you away too soon. i can’t picture myself growing up and growing older without you by my side—the idea of that frightens me. i don’t know how i even managed to get through five months without you… i don’t know how to keep doing it.”

beomgyu runs a hand through soobin’s hair in an attempt to comfort him, another habit that beomgyu picked up in all the years he spent with soobin. it started with him constantly reaching out to fix soobin’s hair, which turned into him constantly playing with soobin’s hair, and it ended up being one of soobin’s favorite things in the entire world, something that almost always comforted him easily.

“you don’t have to know how,” beomgyu mumbles, a little preoccupied with how soft soobin’s hair still feels between his fingers. “you just have to do it,” he says, sighing as his hand drops back down to soobin’s neck.

“i know,” soobin sighs. “i know i have to—but i honestly don’t want to.”

“soobin—”

“it’s so selfish of me, i know,” he sighs again. “i should be trying harder to let you go, instead of forcing you to stay like this. it’s been long enough anyways but i’m still—”

“soobin, listen to me for a sec,” beomgyu tries again, and this time soobin listens, grabbing beomgyu’s hand and pressing it against his cheek before nodding for beomgyu to continue. “you are _undeniably_ the strongest person i’ve _ever_ known—but you can’t push yourself into moving on. you can’t close your eyes, count to ten, and suddenly be perfectly fine as soon as you open your eyes again. it doesn’t work like that— _people_ don’t work like that.”

beomgyu hears soobin take a deep, slow breath, and feels soobin’s arm tighten around his waist, somehow holding him even closer than before. he feels soobin press a soft kiss into his hair, feels his own heart squeeze a little at it.

“thank you,” soobin tells him softly. “i just… don’t want to keep you here longer than you should be but at the same time—i don’t know what’s going to happen when i can’t see you anymore.”

“i don’t know what’s going to happen after that either,” beomgyu replies, just as softly. “but i think you’ll be okay.”

  
  
“what makes you say that?” soobin asks, not out of the disbelief that he won’t be okay (even though he’s sure that he won’t be), but out of his curiosity instead. beomgyu has always had so much faith in soobin, almost too much, and soobin has never quite understood why—but he’s grateful, always so grateful, to have someone who believed in him that much, and for that someone to have been beomgyu.

“i know you, soobin.” beomgyu pulls his hand back from soobin’s cheeks and moves to lace their fingers together instead. “i know it’s hard and that it feels like too much and that it seems _impossible_ even… and i know that if anyone can do the impossible, it’s you.”

“you have so much faith in me,” soobin hums, brushing away beomgyu’s bangs with their intertwined hands. “you always have and i still don’t know what i did to deserve it but thank you.”

the warmth of beomgyu’s hand in his is fading, and soobin hates it; he hates it with every fiber of his being, but he knows there’s nothing he can do to make him stay even just a few minutes longer. it was by some bizarre miracle that they could even be with each other like this, months after the day beomgyu breathed his last breath and the day soobin felt half of his soul die along with him.

there was nothing more that soobin wanted than to curse the universe or the gods or whichever divine power it was that gave them this cruel fate—but he can’t, because whoever’s fault it is, they’re the same force that gave soobin and beomgyu the little bit of extra time that they have now. it’s not a second chance, not really, because there couldn’t ever be a second chance for them, at least not in this life. but it’s still something, soobin thinks, still something he can use to hold onto beomgyu for as long as he can, before the universe eventually tears them apart again.

“i think we should start saying goodbye,” beomgyu mutters, his fingers playing with soobin’s. “i don’t think i can hold on for much longer today.”

“i wish we didn’t have to,” soobin answers, finally sitting up, with beomgyu following right after. “but i guess at least we get to say goodbye this time.”

“this time… and the next time… and the next,” beomgyu adds.

“so we’re only seeing each other two more times?” soobin questions, mostly teasing, trying to cover up the ache in his heart, even though he knows beomgyu sees right through it.

“yeah i’m sick of you already,” beomgyu says, rolling his eyes, before his gaze softens again. “i love you, soobin. then, now—forever.”

“you know i don’t believe in forever,” soobin says quietly. “but if there’s anyone that could’ve given me a forever… it would’ve been you.”

“i think we still have a shot at that,” beomgyu tells him. “i’ll make sure to find you again in our next life, and the one after that, and the one after that…”

“what if we’re born again and we meet at different points in our lives? like, we meet again when i’m 30 and you’re like a hag?”

“pfft—if either one of us is going to be the hag then it’s definitely _you_ ,” beomgyu laughs. “hey, what if we’re born again in the same year? i think that would be nice.”

“of course you’d think so,” soobin laughs. “i’m fine with anything, really. as long as we’re together again in our next life.”

“that would be nice… and also kinda gay.”

“ _you’re_ kinda gay.”

“that’s not true,” beomgyu says, clicking his tongue. “i’m _very_ gay and so are you.”

soobin breaks into a wide smile, eyes crinkling, laughing lightly but wholeheartedly, and it’s a sight beomgyu has never gotten tired of, a sight he simply _can’t_ ever get tired of. beomgyu wishes he can continue to see soobin smiling and laughing like this (he hopes that it’s not too big of a wish to add onto the one where they get to spend forever together. he doesn’t want to give either of those wishes up).

“i love you,” beomgyu sighs.

“you already said that,” soobin teases.

“i can say it again.” beomgyu rolls his eyes and it makes soobin laugh again, makes him wrap his arms around beomgyu and pull him close, and beomgyu thinks maybe this is why their time together was cut short. maybe it was that beomgyu doesn’t deserve this, doesn’t deserve soobin who loves him this much, who has love pouring out of him even when he doesn’t say it. maybe the universe decided that this wasn’t something beomgyu could have for too long. beomgyu thinks that maybe the universe was right.

“i love you, beomgyu,” soobin says, arms still wrapped tight around beomgyu, at least as tight as a living, breathing human can go when hugging the ghost of their dead boyfriend who’s currently using up the very last of his supernatural ability to stay… not alive, obviously, but something like that. neither of them really knew what it was, this thing where beomgyu could be seen—or rather, _make_ himself be seen and touched and kissed and hugged albeit only for a short amount of time.

it’s been five months and they still didn’t know what it was or what to call it, but they were thankful for it. it gave them a second chance they didn’t know they could have.

“i have to go now,” beomgyu says, a little weakly, and soobin feels his chest tighten. he felt like this every week, they met and they parted like this every week, but that didn’t make it hurt any less than it did the first time. it didn’t make his heart break any less, didn’t stop the tears from spilling down his cheeks.

soobin quickly wipes his own tears away, realizing that he’s cried enough today and that maybe beomgyu was right about him being the crybaby now. “okay,” he whispers, scared that his voice will break if he tries to speak any louder.

“i’ll see you next week, right?” beomgyu asks, fingers tangled with soobin’s, another habit he never grew out of. he always wanted to stay close to soobin, always wanted to feel soobin close to him, so he was always reaching out, always holding onto soobin in some way, whether it was his shirt or his hair or his hands or even just _one_ of his fingers—it didn’t matter to beomgyu, as long as soobin was close to him.

beomgyu starts to think that maybe that’s the real reason why they get to meet like this. maybe the universe knew how badly beomgyu needed to be close to soobin, and maybe this was their way of apologizing for separating them in such a final and decisive way. maybe this was their way of saying, _we’re sorry, it was a mistake, here is a little more time to make up for it, here is the only way we can let you be together for a little while longer._

the thought of it made beomgyu angry, just a little bit (or maybe a lot). it felt like some cruel joke that they were ripped apart the way they were, only to be given another chance that could obviously never last because it doesn’t change the fact that beomgyu is still dead, still just a literal ghost of the person he used to be—but his anger softens when he feels soobin’s hand tighten around his; it fades away when he finds soobin’s soft eyes looking into his. beomgyu realizes that he can let go of his anger if it means he gets to stay with soobin for another day.

“of course,” soobin answers softly.

“same time, same place?” beomgyu asks, leaning in for another kiss.

“same as always,” soobin whispers, just as his eyes flutter shut, and their lips meet.

he tries to commit it all to memory: the feeling of beomgyu’s lips against his, the way his heart is pounding like it always does whenever they kiss—all of it, as much as he can. he tries to memorize _all_ of their meetings, and every part of them, savoring each moment they have and keeping them tucked safely into a box, in the corner of his mind. he doesn’t know for sure if they can keep their promise to meet again, doesn’t know how much longer beomgyu can keep coming back to him, so he tries to memorize as many details as possible.

soobin thinks that if he keeps piecing together all their moments like this, then maybe it won’t feel like a goodbye anymore. maybe, when beomgyu inevitably stops appearing one week, it won’t hurt as bad. maybe the amount of kisses and touches and smiles and laughter that they share in all this stolen time can make up a lifetime, and maybe their last goodbye won’t feel like a goodbye. maybe it’ll be more like a see you later—a promise that they will meet again eventually, no matter how long the wait.

when soobin opens his eyes, beomgyu is gone again. a familiar deep, sinking feeling settles in his chest, right where his heart is, and he can’t help but wonder if that’s the last time he gets to see beomgyu.

  
the thought of it scares him, it terrifies him beyond belief—but maybe it’ll only be the last time in this life. maybe, when they meet again, it won’t be on stolen time anymore, and maybe, just _maybe_ , they can have their forever, just like they always wanted.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading<3
> 
> kudos and comments are very much appreciated!
> 
> talk to me on [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/yueliangs) ♡


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